Life knocks us down. It can take our breathe away. It can change at the drop of a dime. And it did exactly that for me. Life is also beautiful. Life is exhilarating and is full of blessings all around us every day. So many moments we take for granted because in our small minds we believe there will be more.

I have been living for 409 days holding my breath. Life since I lost Kade has been indescribable. There have been moments when I don’t think I can take another breath because the ache in my heart is so heavy. There have been moments when God has showed me a glimpse of understanding. There have been moments that I see the bigger plan unfolding and I can make sense of some parts of this terrible tragedy.

Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

This verse is one of the first that I read when I picked up my bible after we left the hospital. I have never prayed like I did those days, I have never surrendered my whole self to God before then. God told me that his will would by done, I promised that whatever that may mean I would continue to serve him.

God pulled me out of the darkness and restored my heart time and time again. He gave us the opportunity to donate Kade’s organs to help save the life’s of others loved ones. There is nothing more beautiful than that to me. He gave me the ability to quit my job and stay home with Kade for 8 months before the accident. He gave me the ability to capture so much of Kade’s like through pictures and videos. He places squirrels and flowers in the perfect places in the perfect moments. He placed us in a beautiful community that loved us so hard after we lost him. So many blessings God has given to us to help us heal.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:20

There have been more hard days than I can count but I have continued to praise God through our storm. It has not been easy. I have felt discouraged at times but I continue to set my eyes onto the cross. Week after week I go to church. As soon as I walk in I’m filled full of hope and gratitude. I can feel God replenishing everything that the world takes all week long out of me. All I can think is thank you lord for pulling me through another week. Please fill me up with more of you and less of me! During praise and worship it’s a rush of emotions, thankful for forgiving me for who I was, thankful that for salvation and then knowledge to know that I will be reunited with Kade but also sadness. Sadness sweeps over me and I don’t hide that anymore.

So many times I have heard people put church in the Cliché “They all think they are perfect people.” but we are ALL broken individuals that are fighting battles everyday. I can tell you honestly that more of my battles have been won on my knees in prayer at the alter than anywhere else. Just because God’s plan for Kade was bigger than any of us on earth could imagine doesn’t mean that I will stop serving him. God is good all of the time, not just when he answers our prayer the way we like. My church and church family has saved me more times than they know just by accepting my hurt. I have never been afraid to show or feel anything than my reality.

My reality is very broken, hurt, sad, full of faith, SAVED, and thankful for God’s Grace. Lately all I have been able to think about is how I served God before and after Kade’s accident. It was night/day. Kade beat us home, he won the race of a lifetime and while I would give my life to have him back here I know that Kade is smiling down on us and how we are serving the lord today.

Tomorrow is Kade’s second birthday he is spending in heaven. While my heart is hurting I am still thankful for how far we have come. I know he is dancing in heaven having the most beautiful party with the angels. I pray that peace continues to surround us.

Sometimes I get so caught up in thinking “It’s not suppose to be this way” that I can’t focus on what’s right in front of me. I can’t enjoy the moment that we are in or my boys laughing. I can feel myself getting angrier by the minute. Sometimes I don’t want to see or hear what God is trying to show or tell me. I just want to be sad and grieve and hurt. And sometimes that’s exactly what I do. But I can’t live there. I can’t stay in that negative state because it’s not fair to me or anyone around me. In those moments when I’m feeling this way the enemy creeps in and tries to tell me lies.. When those feelings come, I call upon my sisters of Christ to help me pray them away.

God created us to be over comers and to have faith in him. That doesn’t mean that we can’t hurt or be angry! We just can’t stay there, we can visit but just for moments. We have to believe and know that God is good even when something doesn’t go our way. God answers prayers even if he doesn’t answer it our way. He heals our hearts if we open them to him. He is always there and always good. Always.

Yesterday we went on a last minute trip to San Antonio. I have never seen the Riverwalk or the Alamo and I honestly just needed to get away. Yesterday was also one whole year since I physically held my baby. I couldn’t stop reliving that day over and over again in my head. It felt like just hours ago and it hurt so incredibly much.

We started our day at the San Antonio Zoo and had a great time, even with an aching heart. But not long after my emotions caught up to me and I had a panic attack. Right there in the smack dab middle of the Riverwalk. This is something that’s new for me still, I’ve only experienced a handful and never to this magnitude. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. It was one of the most overwhelming feelings that I have ever felt. I was embarrassed, upset and hurt. I just wanted to be home. So Roy drove us 3 1/2 hours back to Cleveland.

I was so caught up in all of those emotions that I couldn’t even think straight. I got into the car and turned on some worship music and just cried. I prayed for the Lord to take all of those emotions away and to remind me of what I already know. Kade is healed, and he’s spending eternity with Jesus! He’s exactly where I want to be one day. Where I will be and will be with him again.

Then the guilt started creeping in. Which I know now is the enemy but he knew I was weak. I started feeling terrible for ruining our small trip that we so desperately needed, I felt guilty for Kamden having to experience that with me. I was hurting.

When I say my boys are a blessing, they absolutely are to me. We got home and Kamden didn’t leave my side. We watched Big Brother and I talked to him about how I was feeling and everything that happened and said I was sorry for ruining the day. He said “I didn’t ruin it and that he knows that sometimes I’m sad and he understands”. My seven year old understand.

Emotional roller coaster is coming back around the loop. Crying again I prayed that things could be different for my boys. Why do they have to live through this and watch me live through this? Then God reminded me of where I am today versus a year ago. He reminded me of the conversations I’ve had with the boys about Jesus and how much my prayer life has grown. He reminded me that he used Kade to bring so many closer to him one year ago and all of the days in between including myself and that he saved 5 lives, he left such a legacy when he left this earth. He showed me how different my life is today and how I handle hard situations. How my boys watch me handle the hard situations. I call upon him every time.. I can’t do any of this on my own!

So I leave you with this.. “Jesus is the key to Heaven, but Faith unlocks the door.” Life is hard and terrible things will happen, there is no way around that. Call upon him, be specific with your prayers. But life is also beautiful and glorious things are happening all around us, give him all of that glory as well! Have Faith in Gods plan for you and I and open your heart to try to understand it..

“He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.””

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭17:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

When you’re young you hear adults talk about how fast time goes by. I remember hearing it and thinking they were crazy. Then I had babies and time has been flying by ever since.

Well today we are 20 days away from 1 year. One whole year of living this life without Kade. On one hand it feels like yesterday that we lost him but on the other I feel like it’s been forever since I have held him. It’s so hard to describe it. I lived in a fog for a long time, I coasted through and made it. July I finally woke up and felt it, really felt the hurt.

I can’t believe that I made it a year. I didn’t think I would make it a day, or a month, definitely not a year. It’s been ugly. Many days of ugly crying in the car rider line, sleeping because being awake hurt too much, trying to wrap my head around it all. Being home by myself is hard and it hurts because I see him everywhere I look, so I go. Crying in the bathroom at the school, walking down the aisle and seeing Catboy everything and feeling my heart drop. Seeing the boys together and then losing my crap because one little one is missing and would love to be right in the middle of the chaos.

I have quit things this year. That is not something I normally do, but having to be okay all of the time absolutely exhausted me. I have apologized for grieving too many times and that’s exhausting as well. Being around people who don’t get it, get what I truly lost is hard for me. I’m not okay most days, I just try really really hard to smile through the pain.

This has been one side of my year.

The other has been beautiful and eye opening. Completely life changing and had made me thankful for so much more than I could ever imagine. My faith has grown so much. My praying friends and family have helped me more than anyone could ever know. I truly have an army behind me and I cherish that every day. I call upon the Lord every time my heart feels overwhelmed and he answers everyone. I pray that he touches my family near and far to help them through this as well.

I no longer care about the material things. I don’t care about Christmas presents or the new whatever. The only thing I want, I can’t have so the rest doesn’t really matter much. I want to teach my babies that life is so short and how you make people feel is everything. I want to make memories with them and buy them less. Every year of my adult life I have stressed over buying the perfect thing for everyone in my family. This year that seems so small to me. So I’m not doing it. I just want to feel the love of everyone.

Hearing from Kade’s organ recipients was life changing. It helped my heart cope so much. Through Kade these amazing people will live and love.. I can’t get over how proud of him I am. I told Ginger the other day that he may have saved her physically but he saved me spiritually and continues to do so daily. He is my constant reminder that I can’t do this alone.

This year has been something that I never could have imagined. I have lost so much but gained some too. I have learned that there isn’t a right and wrong way to do this. I just pray that I get it right daily. That I have the words that my boys need and that I can somewhat stay sane to get through the holidays. This has been the other side. The beautiful promise that Heaven is near and that there is so much good in this beautiful world. You just have to open your eyes and want to see it.

All of my life I have loved fall, the weather starts cooling off, the humidity calms down, Football is on TV and Halloween is near.. I’ve always decorated our home with tons of fall decor, went all out on the boys Halloween costumes and watched Hocus Pocus 150 times before October 31st. October has always been one of my favorites.

November is here. My favorite part of November is that it’s slow for us.. We usually have a break between transitioning from football to basketball, prep the week of Thanksgiving, for lunch and then spend the rest of the day deciding what our goals are for Black Friday that night! I love that tradition we have built together. That’s the start of our Christmas shopping.

From that point on it’s pure chaos but in the best form. I LOVE December and everything Christmas. The music, the smells, lights, EVERYTHING. My parents always went all out for us on Christmas. My dad put up the most beautiful lights year after year. We watch Christmas Vacation so many times that I can’t count and we rush from house to house celebrating with everyone! It’s truly the most wonderful time of the year.

This week when I normally would be so excited for the start of fall, I was anxious. Fall means Halloween. Halloween means Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving means Christmas. Christmas means one whole year on this earth without my baby boy with us. I cannot even fathom that. It feels like yesterday that we lost him.

If you know me, you know I prepare myself for any situation that I’m going into. I do not like to be blindsided by things. I’ve been preparing my heart but it terrifies me. I don’t know how to explain to my babies that Christmas will never be the same for us. I still have some of Kade’s Christmas presents in my living room. I can’t imagine buying for them and not Kade.

Life as we knew it is night and day. Things aren’t as important anymore as they used to be. People are important, making new memories are important but I can do without the things. Christmas will look different this year in our house. We will be focusing more on Jesus, the real reason for the season and focus on our family healing together. Maybe even take a trip and start a new family tradition?! Whatever it may be that we do, it will be done in love for our baby.

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Life is hard. Like really hard y’all. We are faced with difficult obstacles daily, unimaginable loss and left with questions that we don’t always get answers to. As mothers, aunts, grandmas, sisters and daughters so much is left on our shoulders, all of the little things that add up so quickly can take a toll on us. The sink full of dishes, getting the kids to little league practice, picking up and dropping off, lunch kits, homework, washing the never ending pile of laundry. On top of all of that LIFE.

Over the past 9 almost 10 months my world has completely changed. Every single part of it is different and that’s been hard for some to understand. During this storm their have been people come into my life that I didn’t have a relationship with before. They only know “this” me, the one that can direct every conversation back to Kade or how Jesus is faithful even in the worst of times. I talk to everyone about organ donation now, I never would have done that before. Life doesn’t look the same as it did before.

Circumstances change us. Kade changed me. I have opened my heart to really get to know people for who they are and the reward has been so big. One of the best things I have learned is that to love god means to love people and that’s something I’m working on every day. Being kind is the best gift you can give someone. A smile can truly change someones day. Trust me I know!

Recently one of my best friends received a diagnosis that I was praying she wouldn’t receive. I felt completely devastated. There was absolutely nothing in the world I could do for her and it was the worst feeling. It wasn’t fair, she’s one of the best people that I have ever known. It really just broke my heart even more. All I could do it tell her I love her and pray, that’s what I did. Then I think back to my best friends sitting with me those days in the hospital room with Kade and the days, weeks, and months after. They have just sat with me and prayed. Things are out of our hands and that’s such a hard concept to grasp. We don’t always like it but that’s when our true faith is tested. That’s when we have to decide how faithful we are to the word.

I am not always sunshine and roses, I have really rough days. Days where I don’t even have words to speak, but I try. My heart is softer than it was before because now I know you truly never know what someone is going through. When people are ugly to each other it breaks my heart because life is truly too short. I truly pray that I can be the friend to others that so many has been to me over these past 9 months.

Most days I smile because I know Kade is heaven watching over us until we make it there, but some days I don’t have the energy to smile. Every part of me hurts from missing him so much. My friends have seen both and know both sides of this now. They know when I need to talk and when I just need to be. That’s the best gift you can give someone hurting.

I guess the point of this is to say that having a tribe is so important. Being there for your tribe is so important and loving your tribe is everything. Pray for your friends, even if they don’t tell you their having a rough day. Everyone is fighting battles that no one knows anything about. Open your heart to love, people will surprise you.

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

— John 15:12-13